Motherhood and Personal Identity

An article by Tina Games-Evans was posted in one of my email groups, and, I must say I was practically bowled over by the author's insights. Games-Evans just hit the nail on the head. I felt as if she's been reading my mind. The article, "Finding Your Personal Identity as a Mom", presents issues related to the transition to motherhood and its effect on a woman's identity. These issues are particularly significant for a SAHM.

Making the Transition to Motherhood
Games-Evans quotes Gail Kauranen Jones:

“A typical adult transition takes between one and three years before one fully assimilates a new identity."

I knew the transition to motherhood is a big one. But I now realize that I might have been putting too much pressure on myself to adjust to the role. In our hurry-up world, nine months of pregnancy and more than a year of having the baby around should be enough time to adjust. Maybe some women take to motherhood like fish to the water. But I've realized that I'm still adjusting. Throw in the change from working gal to SAHM, and the pot gets really mixed up.

The mothers that came before me seem to be more patient, more loving, wiser. I once asked a much older mom if patience was something she had from the beginning or whether she simply learned it. Can I hope to someday have the patience that she possesses? I have to remind myself that, of course, they are more patient. They've had more years of practice. Someday, when I'm much older, younger moms will look up to me for guidance and I will have words of wisdom to impart (I hope).

Discovering Our Own Worth
Gale-Evans writes:

Gail McMeekin, who began her career as a family therapist, has counseled many mothers struggling with issues such as mine related to personal identity. As a career and creativity coach, she has worked with moms who have experienced the challenges of adjusting to “life after baby.” These challenges include loss of self-esteem, confidence, social support, and validation.

and...

Jones reminds us, “There are no standards for what makes ‘a good mother’ and it is impossible to be ‘on’ all the time... Mothers have their own unique worth outside of parenting, and each woman should take the time to discover their own worth, independent of their children.”

A mom who maintains some of her pre-baby interests makes a happier mother. We cannot be cooking and cleaning and watching over the baby ALL THE TIME. We need to recharge ourselves. We need to let go of the stereotypes of what makes a good mother. I need to work on my scrapbooks once in a while. It refreshes me. Even if I don't finish a page in one sitting (I rarely do these days), I come away with a clearer and more relaxed mind. So, even if I have to stay up late once in a while, it's lost sleep that's worth it.

Dealing with Resentment

Right after my son’s second birthday, I found myself secretly resenting my husband’s career. It was hard for me to watch him being recognized and paid for a job well done. It was especially painful when there was no one there to validate the work I was doing as a mother.

Sounds familiar? While I don't resent my husband's career (I'm very thankful for him and what he does), I do feel the need for some validation of what I do in the home. The downside of not having a boss and a paycheck is not having an "external validation". Moms don't get a letter of commendation for consistently making sure that meals are ready. A SAHM, especially, may feel that her work is invisible (Who notices that the floors are swept?), routine, and insignificant. We all need a pat in the back once in while. So, to all you SAHMs (and SAHDs, for that matter) out there: You're doing a superb job!

Getting Support from Other Moms

“Mothers should look for support from like-minded others,” says Jones, adding that just because someone is a mother does not mean that she shares your values. “It is better to have one good ‘mother’ friend who you are in sync with than several acquaintances who just happen to have children the same age as yours.”

I've been thinking about the benefits of having a support group I can meet with, but I haven't done anything concrete about this. Most of the "like-minded others", SAHMs who share my interests, are people I've met online. Hey, they ARE my support group! So what if we can't meet over coffee? I wouldn't trade them for any other.

Games-Evans ends the article with these notes from McMeekin:

"Most of all, stay connected to your personal strengths and power, and be sure to take time for yourself away from the family.”

That I will! :D

(Thanks to RM for sending the article.)