Motherhood and Personal Identity

An article by Tina Games-Evans was posted in one of my email groups, and, I must say I was practically bowled over by the author's insights. Games-Evans just hit the nail on the head. I felt as if she's been reading my mind. The article, "Finding Your Personal Identity as a Mom", presents issues related to the transition to motherhood and its effect on a woman's identity. These issues are particularly significant for a SAHM.

Making the Transition to Motherhood
Games-Evans quotes Gail Kauranen Jones:

“A typical adult transition takes between one and three years before one fully assimilates a new identity."

I knew the transition to motherhood is a big one. But I now realize that I might have been putting too much pressure on myself to adjust to the role. In our hurry-up world, nine months of pregnancy and more than a year of having the baby around should be enough time to adjust. Maybe some women take to motherhood like fish to the water. But I've realized that I'm still adjusting. Throw in the change from working gal to SAHM, and the pot gets really mixed up.

The mothers that came before me seem to be more patient, more loving, wiser. I once asked a much older mom if patience was something she had from the beginning or whether she simply learned it. Can I hope to someday have the patience that she possesses? I have to remind myself that, of course, they are more patient. They've had more years of practice. Someday, when I'm much older, younger moms will look up to me for guidance and I will have words of wisdom to impart (I hope).

Discovering Our Own Worth
Gale-Evans writes:

Gail McMeekin, who began her career as a family therapist, has counseled many mothers struggling with issues such as mine related to personal identity. As a career and creativity coach, she has worked with moms who have experienced the challenges of adjusting to “life after baby.” These challenges include loss of self-esteem, confidence, social support, and validation.

and...

Jones reminds us, “There are no standards for what makes ‘a good mother’ and it is impossible to be ‘on’ all the time... Mothers have their own unique worth outside of parenting, and each woman should take the time to discover their own worth, independent of their children.”

A mom who maintains some of her pre-baby interests makes a happier mother. We cannot be cooking and cleaning and watching over the baby ALL THE TIME. We need to recharge ourselves. We need to let go of the stereotypes of what makes a good mother. I need to work on my scrapbooks once in a while. It refreshes me. Even if I don't finish a page in one sitting (I rarely do these days), I come away with a clearer and more relaxed mind. So, even if I have to stay up late once in a while, it's lost sleep that's worth it.

Dealing with Resentment

Right after my son’s second birthday, I found myself secretly resenting my husband’s career. It was hard for me to watch him being recognized and paid for a job well done. It was especially painful when there was no one there to validate the work I was doing as a mother.

Sounds familiar? While I don't resent my husband's career (I'm very thankful for him and what he does), I do feel the need for some validation of what I do in the home. The downside of not having a boss and a paycheck is not having an "external validation". Moms don't get a letter of commendation for consistently making sure that meals are ready. A SAHM, especially, may feel that her work is invisible (Who notices that the floors are swept?), routine, and insignificant. We all need a pat in the back once in while. So, to all you SAHMs (and SAHDs, for that matter) out there: You're doing a superb job!

Getting Support from Other Moms

“Mothers should look for support from like-minded others,” says Jones, adding that just because someone is a mother does not mean that she shares your values. “It is better to have one good ‘mother’ friend who you are in sync with than several acquaintances who just happen to have children the same age as yours.”

I've been thinking about the benefits of having a support group I can meet with, but I haven't done anything concrete about this. Most of the "like-minded others", SAHMs who share my interests, are people I've met online. Hey, they ARE my support group! So what if we can't meet over coffee? I wouldn't trade them for any other.

Games-Evans ends the article with these notes from McMeekin:

"Most of all, stay connected to your personal strengths and power, and be sure to take time for yourself away from the family.”

That I will! :D

(Thanks to RM for sending the article.)

Dino Digging at the 4H Garden

I took my son, my mom and my MIL to a horticultural garden this morning. The Children's 4H Garden was filled with little tykes and their moms who were there for a university-sponsored activity. My son was too young to participate in the Dino Digs, but he enjoyed being with the bigger kids. I asked one of the moms there if the kids were part of a playgroup and she said no. They all just went there to let their kids take part in the activities. My little boy would have fun doing things like this when he's a little bigger so I signed up to receive information on future activities at the garden.

On another note, I wondered to myself if all the moms I saw were SAHMs. I know at least one of them was, since she used to be in the department I graduated from. I saw one dad. Maybe he's a SAHD. I don't know. But I got to thinking about whether to meet up with other SAHMs. I know there are support groups for SAHMs. I haven't really felt the need for such, although it would be nice to compare notes once in a while. My husband has relatives in the area who could provide additional adult conversation for me, if I ever needed it. But sometimes, I think it would be nice to connect with other SAHMs who have the same interests as I do.

SAHMs want to work

When a mom contemplates being a SAHM, it seems that a common question that comes up is what to do... for additional income, in her spare time, to keep from getting bored. As if there's not enough to do in taking care of the kids, the hubby and the home, we still have to add to our daily activities. It's all for various reasons. Self-fulfillment. To feel productive. To contribute financially.

These reasons are all valid. We all need to find and do those things that fulfill us as persons and make us happy. It's so common that when you google the term "stay-at-home mom", a lot of the hits are about work from home opportunities. When I made the decision to be a SAHM, I also thought about the work options that remained available to me. The ideal choice was indeed something that allowed me to work from home, keep my own hours, and be on leave for family vacations and sick days whenever I needed to be.

I know of a number of SAHMs who've found their niches. Setting up a home or internet business. Taking consulting work. Finishing a degree by correspondence. These are all options that are available. The trick seems to be to identify those gifts and talents that a SAHM can offer at her own terms, and then to find an avenue for them.

Putting Structure to My Week

I do groceries on Monday.

I used to run out to the 24/7 one-stop shopping center whenever we ran out of too many things or to drop off rolls of film. And then again, to get the developed pictures.

Now, I schedule shopping as a once-a-week errand. It saves both gas and time. To help me manage, I've started to use a printable grocery list. I keep at least one copy of it (dated with the next shopping day) on the refrigerator. I just check off or write whatever I need to buy. Hubs now knows to get his items in there too, so that I won't forget them.

I picked Monday cause that's when the grocery's stocks get replenished. And I like that it's sort of an "official" start to the week... getting all our needed supplies gives a good "We're ready" feeling.

I also stopped hopping to the car for short lists of stuff or to get photos. If we've survived without them for six days, they can wait until the next Monday.

Maybe I'll schedule laundry days next.

Mothers of Invention

Cheryl Rosenberg Neubert (KRT News Service) wrote an article featuring mom inventors who have succeeded in developing and marketing their own products. These SAHMs/WAHMs saw specific needs and took it upon themselves to fill them. Not satisfied with what's available, Paula Duhn, Leianne Messina-Brown and Tamara Monosoff invented their own products.

Duhn, of Santa Ana, California, invented the Stay-Put bib (a bib that stays put through a feeding!), and sells it from her website, www.byamom.com.

Messina-Brown's invention is called the Gourmet Tote. It's a spill-proof food carrier that keeps foods hot or cold. It won an award for the best product in the Gourmet Gifts and Special Foods Category at the Gourmet Products Show 2004. The website is www.gourmettote.com.

Monosoff, of Walnut Creek, California, developed the TP Saver, a device that "prevents toilet paper from being pulled off the roll by inquisitive toddlers". She also set up www.mominventors.com to help other women inventors. The TP Saver is available at the website.

I was excited to read about these resourceful women. Not that I have my own invention to develop, but hey, that's possible someday. These mom inventors and others like them are a great encouragement!

Read the article as it appeared at the Lansing State Journal.